9:29pm says the laptop.
i cannot do anything else but ponder ang occasionally swell. the are are few questions running
through my head.
am I in control of my life?
what is happiness for me?
is this reality?
only nineteen years have passed yet it seems as though I have gone through a lifetime without
knowing anything. its as if those nineteen years — was blank.
sure, I have lots of memories, all of which, superficial.
I need an awakening, I need to open my eyes.
I need to wake up, take control.
control of what? my life.
I always turn this way when I learn something about everything. Particularly from movies.
yes yes, I know, It’s just a movie. big deal. just some action, special effects, naked scenes and beautiful people make up this big pretending game. I’m not after that, sure there’s eye candy for you, but what about the messages the writers want to tell?ever thought of that? duh of course, what movie wouldn’t have that? a worthless one.
and I am very affected when it comes to particular messages I dare not mention.
One will never know sweet if one has never knew sour.
everyone’s always bragging about having a better life that each other or inviting others’ pity
to theirselves..for comfort?I dont want to be arrogant nor pathetic. I want to be satisfied.
But one cannot be satisfied. never. There is always something better. always. And I hate this.
Is their a difference between satisfaction and content? Is there? tell me. Can I be content yet unsatisfied?Can I be satisfied yet not content? I do not know.
I never know anything. But I can know most things, but the thing is, I cant. Laziness could be
my only foe. Fear could be another, fear of the unknown and possibly something new and foreign.
These things prevent me from getting to that untapped resource which I can use to completely
alter everything around me according to my whim. I can fight these demons. But I first have to come across something that has never been beaten — Time.
9:53. my first sleepy yawn. I dont want to go to sleep. no I dont. I still have three important
things to do and I’m only a quarter of the first thing done. I can’t work bec"Coause questions haunt me. I can set them aside but will sooner or later take hold of me at a more crucial time.
Everyone always talk about change. Everyone does so but onl a few benefit. I want to change. It seems as though it has lost its meaning. I should come up with another phrase to comfort myself
and commit another unfulfilled promise.
25 days from now, everything will either be relocated, retained or relinquished. All I need is
commitment. Actually I always had commitment, it’s the dedication I lack. I have never been a hundred percent on anything I have done. even though I say I am, I never was. It could be because I was raised to be well rounded, on all aspects that I never am fully dedicated on something.
Contentment is a way different from satisfaction. satisfaction only comes contentment. contentment covers everything. but then man is never satisfied or is only satisfied for a very very short period of time. what happens when the satisfaction expires? Is the search on again?
Is this the right way of living life? if not, what is?
Buddhist monks learn to be content of what they have. With all respect for Buddha, I think this
is never learned. I do not think being content is enough. Never aim for second best. Always aim for the BEST. monks do everything to please Buddha, would they settle for something mediocre to honor their God? I don’t think so. But everyone else seem to do so. parang naglolokohan nalang siguro tayo no? Quality is not quality if it isn’t the best.
If one is not content, one again seeks for it. It is a cycle that I cannot accept yet I can do nothing about.For everything is affected with one unbeatable foe — Time.
Would it be possible to be content in accordance with time. Such as "timeless things" is there such things? I look at them only as a Fad that will wear off in time. Which will then come again after a generation has passed and a new generation finds its asset or quality.
I guess not.
"Change for the better."
"nothing in life is permanent except change"
I guess the only thing timeless in this lifetime is change. It is forever.
Nobody cannot stop change. it is inevitable.
i guess the only thing we can do is try to veer it towards positive results and not negative ones.
Maybe this is the driving force or phenomenon in this cyclic part of life. Change.
Thank you, I have reached some enlightenment.
10:41. although I have reached this level, I know that it will only be short lived. I again
will be back to redo everything.
I am not in control of my life at the moment. I want to be.
Hapiness is enlightenment from everything?but the truth is painful, ignorance is bliss. which is better? what then is hapiness for me? at the moment, I do not know, even though I say to people I’m happy, everything is superficial.
Is this reality? I see the world from my eyes as a continuous roll of movie film running through my eyes. my perception of real life would be explained on a television set that has a sharper resolution than my eyes.
I am unsatisfied. I am beaten by laziness. I lost power drive force. I lost to physical flaws.
Something’s getting the best of me. i hate it.
My quest for sophia has just begun.
Third sleepy yawn at 10:58pm.
